Break

Looks like I took an unintentional blog break. This year has been rough with the passing of my dad and my herniated disc troubles. I realized yesterday after recovering from my neck rhizotomies that my life has stopped. I have not taken a single picture since Dad died. What a horrible thing. I am all about capturing life with my camera. I keep trying to stuff my sadness, fears, happiness, and emotions for fear of living. Moving forward seems so scary because I was not ready to leave my Dad when he went. Our relationship just seemed to get started. If I move forward, if I continue on with life, if I stop dreaming does that mean I am leaving my old life behind. The life that existed when my father was alive. Why is it I never reflected on my relationship when he was alive. His death has sparked so many emotions but the real one is that I am afraid to live, live in pain and live for fear of ever having to experience this pain again. I realized, in my drug induced state yesterday on the couch (my neck pain was too much to bear) that not living and moving forward is not me. I live my life everyday with full intentions of improving my already charmed life. I have lost more than my dad. I have lost myself. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children who deserve a woman who cares enough about herself to take the initiative to learn to live life again. So from this day forward, I will not be afraid of my emotions but I will release them knowing this will allow me to move forward with my life. This painful grief process needs to get started so I don't fall apart. As for my neck, Dr. didn't seem to have high hopes that the rhizotomies would help so he suggests I get re-evaluated by the nuerosurgeon. I have already started that process. I have osteoarthritis a couple herniated discs with some narrowing of the spinal cord. For three years, I have actively been seeking help. My faith in the medical community is non-existant now. We live in a small community and it takes forever to get in to see specialists (if there is one in the area). We have one nuerosurgoen in the area with the next one over 3 hours away. I probably won't get into see him for a few months because of the demand. This hopelessness and pain (physical and mental) is taking a toll on my spirit and faith. I should know for sure if the neck procedure worked in less than a month. I will not hold my breath. In connection with my neck troubles, I have leg and arm pain with loss of bladder function. Do you think someone will listen to me now??? How can I wait any longer? In the meantime, I am startind physical therapy on my right arm to try and regain some strength. I need something to get me going, my crafty side is so uninspired now with my deadened spirit. Gardening, sewing, scrapbooking...nothing seems to help because it all is too painful. Any suggestions on creating things that don't take a lot of arm use...lol? Okay, I will probably erase this post because it is extremely depressing. I will be alright. Sometimes I just have to get it out. From this day forward, I will not keep my emotions bottled up but I will release them in hopes that my sad spirit will soon be freed.