Break

Looks like I took an unintentional blog break. This year has been rough with the passing of my dad and my herniated disc troubles. I realized yesterday after recovering from my neck rhizotomies that my life has stopped. I have not taken a single picture since Dad died. What a horrible thing. I am all about capturing life with my camera. I keep trying to stuff my sadness, fears, happiness, and emotions for fear of living. Moving forward seems so scary because I was not ready to leave my Dad when he went. Our relationship just seemed to get started. If I move forward, if I continue on with life, if I stop dreaming does that mean I am leaving my old life behind. The life that existed when my father was alive. Why is it I never reflected on my relationship when he was alive. His death has sparked so many emotions but the real one is that I am afraid to live, live in pain and live for fear of ever having to experience this pain again. I realized, in my drug induced state yesterday on the couch (my neck pain was too much to bear) that not living and moving forward is not me. I live my life everyday with full intentions of improving my already charmed life. I have lost more than my dad. I have lost myself. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful children who deserve a woman who cares enough about herself to take the initiative to learn to live life again. So from this day forward, I will not be afraid of my emotions but I will release them knowing this will allow me to move forward with my life. This painful grief process needs to get started so I don't fall apart. As for my neck, Dr. didn't seem to have high hopes that the rhizotomies would help so he suggests I get re-evaluated by the nuerosurgeon. I have already started that process. I have osteoarthritis a couple herniated discs with some narrowing of the spinal cord. For three years, I have actively been seeking help. My faith in the medical community is non-existant now. We live in a small community and it takes forever to get in to see specialists (if there is one in the area). We have one nuerosurgoen in the area with the next one over 3 hours away. I probably won't get into see him for a few months because of the demand. This hopelessness and pain (physical and mental) is taking a toll on my spirit and faith. I should know for sure if the neck procedure worked in less than a month. I will not hold my breath. In connection with my neck troubles, I have leg and arm pain with loss of bladder function. Do you think someone will listen to me now??? How can I wait any longer? In the meantime, I am startind physical therapy on my right arm to try and regain some strength. I need something to get me going, my crafty side is so uninspired now with my deadened spirit. Gardening, sewing, scrapbooking...nothing seems to help because it all is too painful. Any suggestions on creating things that don't take a lot of arm use...lol? Okay, I will probably erase this post because it is extremely depressing. I will be alright. Sometimes I just have to get it out. From this day forward, I will not keep my emotions bottled up but I will release them in hopes that my sad spirit will soon be freed.

In love...

I discovered a new to me artist yesterday and I am in love. I knew I loved his voice on the radio but never put a name to it. Oh my, I am addicted to his voice. He sounds just plain yummy and the lyrics are really good too.

Jack Johnson


This past month has been a very 'off' month with sicknesses, neck pain, and dealing with emotions of my father's passing last month. Yesterday was the first day of spring and I am so happy. A new beginning. Although it is weird to move on with life and watch new things grow when everything in my life seems to have completely changed; it is comforting knowing that there is life and love in every new beginning.

On a different note; my gardening is going to be really pared down this year. :( I have come to realize that I simply can not act as if I am normal with the pain I am in. For the first time in my life I have realized how important it is to listen to my body. I have been dealing with neck pain for a long time due to my bad discs. The pain has really gotten severe over the past three years. I have been trying to find a solution other than prescription pain meds for these past three years. I was defeated last June when a nuerosurgeon in San Francisco told me that I had to many bad spots in my neck to do surgery. For the past several months I have been going through a pain clinic to help find some relief. Have done steroid shots and a facet joint block in four discs without any relief. The last resort is a facet rhizotomy scheduled in June. In the meantime, I am headed to my family doc because I am very concerned about the numbness spreading from one hand to now the next. The pain and fear of living in it is something that is very hard share and talk about. Seems way too self-indulgent for my personality.

Back to my gardening! Hubby will be redoing my garden for me, hopefully sooner than later. Although, it really isn't too late for our cool beach environment. If he doesn't get it done, I always have my pots everything can go into. He is the one that wants to redo the boxes. I want to give up because the gophers are stealing half of my crop and flowers. Have at it, babe. Yardwork isn't usually his thing. I would love to have a hobby that we share as a couple so wish me luck on sucking him into my trap. Now if only I could get him rested from all of the overtime he has been doing so he has the energy.

Oh my! Quite the chatterbox I am today. Coffee time is almost over and then it is time to get the kiddies off to school so I can try to clean up my neglected house. If you got this far in reading my whole post, thank you. Guess it was just time for me to get some things off of my chest.